So life is a funny funny thing. I'm sort of in between everything and my emotions seem to be all over the chart all of the time, which seems to either be recognized as anger, or apathy. It is neither. I am however, grateful for my dog. He knows whats up. And it's very hard to be upset about anything with a 6 lb poodle kissing your face or even simply in your presence.

I'm pretty sure life is good.

Today it was "U R cute" and when I tried to get more out of said person the internet went away. Then it came back (fucking internet connection) and all that this nameless jerk said was "Peace"

Closure? Maybe for it. . .


Anyway, overall it's been a good day. Hopefully I'll be able to turn my brain on enough to study for the GRE. Its in 9 days, and I need to do better than I think that I'll currently be able to, but it's hard to study with a head ache. . . it's hard to do much of anything that way. . .


Things are good though, I think.


Happy night

mood: blank

I love dogs, and ice cream. And eating ice cream, while dogs sit with you is about the most comforting thing that this planet has to offer.

So I received an anonymous aim message from someone recently. The conversation was only mildly disturbing, but more than that it was frustrating and kind of sad. I recognize that sometimes it's necessary to sever ties, but it was upsetting that they wouldn't tell me who they are. It was nice that they wanted to be sure that I was well, but it's frustrating none the less. I don't know. I can't seem to stop thinking about it in my moments alone, and at the same time, if I have correctly pegged who the person is, I don't really want to talk to him. I guess I'm mostly upset with myself for not being strong enough to look into my past and keep going forward. Most of the ties I severed in the past were for the sake of my sanity. I wish that I hadn't, in many cases, but that doesn't change the fact that I did. My life is quite nice right now. I'm sitting in my room, which I am growing more and more fond of with two of the world's most adorable dogs and drinking tea. My job isn't fulfilling per se, but it's also not a downer and I know that it won't be forever. There is absolutely no reason for the past to visit me again. Especially since there is nothing now that I can do about it. Anything that I might be able to see where I went wrong is no matter now. I can't change what happened, and as I'm relatively content with what is currently happening, I don't see why I'd really want to.

No matter. Happy Tuesday.

location: my room mood: contemplative

I am horribly disappointed in the alumni group in this town. The SMUG is undeniable. I can't bring myself to read (boring) essays about intellectualism. The meetup reading groups aren't much better or are so specialized that they're not necessarily even worth it.

Fuck it. I'll make my own.

mood: disappointed

Well, I make my great escape on Sunday the 6th. At that point I will load up my car with all of my worldly belongings, Moose and Widget. It's a wonderful thing, and somehow a little scary. I am on yet another move, but at least this time I have a Moose.

I have a job. . . next step. . . housing.

mood: restless

I met Brett on April 20 of this year. He left for San Francisco today. I will see him again hopefully by the middle of October when I move out there myself. It's amazing what three months can do. . .

mood: thoughtful

My mother fusses a lot about the Irish, which I find funny because we recently discovered that there is quite a bit of Irish blood in our veins. I just watched a film based on a novel by James Joyce. This is the first time in ages that I have wanted to read James Joyce. I decided a while ago that I would like a life that is predominantly drama free. I would like excitement in my life, and peace in my soul and thoughts, and neither of these things require drama and in fact they at least somewhat require a lack there of.
But this film ends and it comes to pass that his wife has been sad all evening about a boy she loved when they were 17 who died when they were 17. He loved her SO much that he didn't want to live for the three seasons that she would be away. He didn't kill himself, thankfully, but simply died of some random sickness etc. from which he was suffering anyway. Her husband asks himself, though, if he had ever felt that way about a woman, and imagines that that is what love is. He concludes that he hasn't; that he finds his wife beautiful and that they live as "man and wife" but that he has never been in love. It made me curious in inspecting my own life. And it left me with the question of whether or not it is possible to fall out of love. And whether or not it matters at all. In the grand scheme of things 200 years from now whether or not I was ever in love with anyone is unlikely to make any kind of difference. I mean, the things that that kind of love tend to perpetuate might make a difference, but even so, in 200 years, no one will care, or even know whether or not to choose to care. And yet, I really want to believe that it does matter, and should. And I really want to believe that I have been in love, and that I will again. Maybe I'm just tired or full.

Life is quite nice to me right now, though. I get to enjoy time with friends and my mother. I sleep with a canine almost every night. I have a tent and a new (to me) camera. I get to travel. My home is beautiful and quiet and I dance every Wednesday and frequently on other days as well. I have mask-making in the works for a ball next weekend and I am set on starting school again next year. Funny how easy it is to question things, though. I've been reading quite a bit lately and that always helps.

An ex-beau whom I haven't talked to for quite a while called today. We were never in love, although I think we enjoyed deluding ourselves into that thought. It was awkward and he has not changed at all, which is comforting in a way, and at the same time not so much. I know that I've changed in the last two years.

I made muffins today and they are tastey. And Moose is adorable as ever and full of fuzzy mischief. I should really learn to stop thinking.

location: the study. mood: mimsy music: insects and the fan

well,
this year I moved to Hawaii, moved back from Hawaii, got a dog, got my heart stomped by the boy in Hawaii, got over it, got an apartment with my sister, got a job doing something that doesn't exactly fill the mind with brilliant thoughts, the sister moved, the dog didn't, attempted another relationship, failed, attempted another relationship, failed, and now i'm looking into becoming a teacher. All in a year's work. Thank goodness for dogs, friends, and sci fi.

happy holidays

Okay.

So here is a livejournal rant of the worst kind.

I don't want anymore meaningless sex.

I don't want anymore casual encounters.

I'm tired of always fighting my lovers

and I'm tired of always feeling second best.

I want someone to ask me out on an actual date.

I want to have someone actually bring me flowers.

I'm 23 years old, and I can count the number of times a fella has brought me flowers on 1 hand. There seems to be something wrong with that.

I want to not feel guilty for letting a guy pay for dinner.

I want to not feel like a tease for not putting out afterward, nor feel like I'm being called a slut behind my back on the occasions when I do.

I'm tired of this aspect of our culture, and I'm tired of always second guessing.

I want to be around people who don't make me feel this way.

I miss having friends who I honestly felt like I could open up to. I miss having friends who are both female and not completely demented.

I need to get more hugs.

I need kisses that linger.

I need for the majority of the affection I receive to not be provided by my dogs. . .not that puppy love is bad thing. I rather enjoy it and don't know what i'd do without it.
HOWEVER. . . it does not fulfill some basic needs.

I hate that Sasha left, but it was time and needed to happen.

I hate that Joe and I broke it off pretty much for ever, but it was time and DESPERATELY needed to happen.

I hate that most things are not looking the way that I planned them even remotely.

I need something else, something more.

I feel disconnected and mildly rejected and it's most likely my own damn fault.

So ends the extreme LJ rant.

Now I'm going to knit, watch TV, and hope that when tomorrow comes around things look better.

P.S. There is more to my life than dating, but tonight's rant needed to focus on that.

mood: resigned.

Giving up the club again. . .

These past several days have been bizarre and exciting and exhausting and relaxing and this is the happiest that I can remember being in years.

For the first time since I left New Mexico I actually have friends in the same town that I live in. I feel young and attractive. I have a small income, but an income that is at least somewhat sufficient to what I require to get by. I live with my sister and our marvelous pets.

I started crying because I was so happy in the car the other afternoon. The sun was setting, I was off from work, and listening to a song that was my superscummy ex's favorite. Its a really good song, and it's no longer his. I've finally moved passed him. There is something completely relieving about that. Life is way too good without him.

It's nice to be in a world made of smiles for a change.

I think I've decided on law school. Environmental international in specific.

Much affection to all!

location: home mood: pleased music: Dexter

I went downstairs to check my mail a few minutes ago and as I was walking out the front door to go to the mailbox two middle-aged black women walked up to me.
"Are you the manager or somethin'?" I responded that no, I was just checking my mail. And there is a sign in the front yard that says "For Lease" and has a phone number written on it. There is an apartment for lease because the man in the apartment below us has technically been evicted since May 1st, but is still there. . . So anyway, one of the women asks me about the size and the cost of rent and all of those normal questions. I respond accordingly. Then she asks me if they take vouchers and I tell her truthfully that I don't know. She asks me who to call and I direct her to the number on the sign and tell her that the landlord is named "Vernon." We talk some more and she asks again, if they take vouchers. I still tell her that I don't know. I am fine with all of this. There is nothing wrong with this scenario until as she's leaving she tells me that she's a Katrina victim.

Now, I have no idea where she is coming from or what she's been through, and I certainly can't imagine losing everything I own, family heirlooms, as well as my neighborhood, and likely loved ones, pets, etc.

But Katrina was 3 years ago. Certainly in that time she could have found something else to do, right? Or is our economy that horrid that she couldn't even begin to find herself a job to support herself and her son?

It kind of rubbed me wrong, and I don't know why.

Granted, I don't know the rest of the story. I don't know where the son's father is. I don't know if she has some sort of disability. I don't know what the trauma would have been like for anyone in that situation. I guess it's just using it as an excuse that upsets me. I didn't want to know, nor ask, why she was so set on the vouchers. I simply directed her towards the people to call. I just, I don't know. It really upset me. I think that I'm going to go clean the apartment now.

Happy day to all!

mood: confused

I don't understand people, really at all. And I have no intention of spending the rest of my life confused about it. However, I am having a hard time believing in the sanctity of books for a way to try to understand things where humans are concerned. And I kind of seem to be failing left and right when it comes to actually talking to people. So question: What do i do?

any suggestions?


thanks

mood: frustrated

Well,
I talked to my grandmother today, Mamo. She seems to be a well of good advice that i have no desire to follow. Although, not following good advice seems to be a hobby of mine. It seems like I want to make ALL of the mistakes. At least I'll have some funny stories to tell once the emotions blow over that are attached to them. Sitting in my bed with 2 sleeping dogs is a wonderful pass-time, but if I don't start leaving my house more frequently I might actually melt into the walls.

I bought 2 books today. Isaac Asimov and C. Jung. I feel that they are sort of in the same category. The copies that I bought were both from 1967 so there is at least that much to tie them together. I'll report more when I've read them.

Baked more cookies. . . I think that I'm becoming a girl. . . Maybe I'll knit tonight.

Happy dreaming

mood: restless music: the computer fan

Don't get involved with front men. . . it's a bad idea.

Frankly,

I'm beginning to think that PEOPLE in general are a bad idea. . .but at least i still have pets and family. . .neither of which qualify as people. . .


Happy Friday.

I'm really glad to have them.

mood: contemplative

It's not yet April, the sun is bright and too hot.
I spent the afternoon wearing cut off shorts and a t-shirt and spray painting furniture barefoot in my back yard.

There are at least 5 different bird calls outside of my window.

It's 6:45 and the sun hasn't set yet. Everything is green or dead.

The squirrels are about the size of my dog.

Later my cousin and I are going out for sandwiches and beer.

I'm covered in paint on the back porch, and I have one window open.

I love that Texas sky.

location: Austin mood: peaceful music: Sarah Marie Mullen and her celtic harp

few things are made of happier than a sleeping puppy on your lap

mood: content

i am realizing that i am a particularly awkward person. . . i should work on my human relations. . .this might require less time on the computer and with my immediate family. . . hrm. . .

mood: discontent